April's Adventures: Time

     Days go by and when you look back, you don't always remember how your day went, from morning until you go to bed. Two years ago today, I still remember exactly what I did that day. It was a Friday morning and I was thinking about my full weekend; that night I needed to do food shopping and laundry. Nothing too exciting planned, because the next day I was going to go to a church Singles conference. I was trying to be excited about it, but let's face it; they usually aren't that exciting.

     I got to work and was focusing on the holiday displays and talking with my manager. He was insisting that I needed to learn how to write up an employee, and I didn't want to. However I went into the office and started on the official write up for someone who hadn't been showing up to work when she was scheduled. I looked at my phone to verify the dates that she didn't. I put my phone back in my pocket, as I had it on vibrate and would be able to feel it if it rang. Thirty minutes later I was in the office with my manger and the employee getting the write up. I was just observing how he handled it, let's face it, it's not a fun part about being in management; but it's part of the job. As I was there, my friend J poked her head outside the office, I could see her. I thought it was odd that she was there, but motioned to her that I would be a few minutes. She nodded and went out of sight.

   After the employee left the office, I followed her out and found my friend J. I was walking and asking her why she was there. She was supposed to be getting things ready for the weekend; she was part of the planning committee. She said that she needed to talk to me; she looked serious. We were in the Martha Stwart aisle (weird that I remember that). I jokingly said, "what? Did someone die?" she just looked at me. I froze. She asked if we could walk off the sales floor and I couldn't move. I was literally frozen and couldn't move. She looked around and saw that we were alone and then she told me that my sisters were trying to get ahold of me. I picked up my phone and saw several missed calls and text messages. I saw everyone's phone number on there, so I couldn't think of who it could be, besides the sister that wasn't in contact with any of us. Then she told me that Meagan had passed away. I didn't want to belive it. How could it be true? However that got me moving and I was able to walk the ten feet back to the office and my boss was still in there. I banged on the door and he asked where my keys were and opened the door. My friend followed me in (she works as my paper craft instructor). I turned around and asked her to repeat what she said and she did. She had spoken to my sister Allyson and there were no details, except that she died in her sleep. I remember my boss leaving to go get my things from the breakroom, so I could leave. I was in shock; tears were streaming down my face and I remember that I couldn't think. I think I told her that I needed to get to Utah. My boss came back with my stuff and she led me from the store. We got into her car and she told me to call my sister Allyson. I remember doing so, and that Allyson was on her way up to Brigham City to tell our mom, as she was asleep and had her phone off. I told Allyson that I would try and get a flight out and let her know when I had more details.


J pulled into Burger King and ordered us food. She told me to eat while she drove us to my apartment. I remember that I ate, but I don't remember what. We get to my place and she told me to start packing a suitcase while she called the airlines. She was able to get me on a flight out that day; two hours later. She followed me into my room, where I was staring at my closet and an empty suitcase. I couldn't think of what to pack; all of my clothes were dirty. I couldn't think; so she packed my suitcase for me. I do remember looking through my clothes, because I wanted something pretty for the funeral, because Meagan always looked good. We left my apartment and I remember as I was getting into the car, that people were nearby laughing. I couldn't understand how people could laugh, when my world had been shattered.
On the drive the the airport I started to cry and get a little hysterical and my friend just kept telling me to breathe and that I could cry after I got through security. When she dropped me off, I was aware of my surroundings and able to check in. The TSA agent at security saw my serious expression and was trying to get me to smile; he jokingly told me that he wouldn't let me through until I smiled at him. I looked at him and told him "My sister just died" he looked at me and brightly said to go right on through.
   It was a six hour flight and I had tears streaming down my face the entire time; but I didn't get hysterical. My brother was going to pick me up. When I got there and saw him, I dropped my bags and proceeded to lose it. I cried and cried. I finally calmed down and we left the airport. He asked if I needed to stop anywhere before we went to his house. He and his wife had Meagan's kids, while her husband's mom was with him. I wanted to stop at Walmart, to get hair dye. My roots were showing and I wanted to dye my hair. I wanted to look good for Meagan. It makes no sense, but there it is, my sister had just died and I was buying hair dye, to look good for her. I made my brother help me pick out a color as my usual one was out of stock.
   When we got to Ethan's house, my niece, Hayley was waiting for us. She was sleeping in the same room as me and didn't want to go to sleep until I got there. She didn't want to be alone. We all went to bed and in the morning we took the kids to the park.

This was the day after she passed, and we were doing what we could to help her kids. It felt surreal to me that we were at the park, but I learned that life goes on...even when if feels like it shouldn't.
However it was a time for us to mourn together and I don't think Meagan would begrudge us our laughter or our tears.

I was in UT for a week, one day we all went through her things, and in a morbid way it was great. All of the siblings were there and we all joked, laughed, and talked about Meagan. It was very comforting.
We buried her the following Friday, a week to the day she died.

I wanted to blog about her since her death, however I never knew what to say. After my dad died, it took a few months before I could blog about it. Meagan's took two years. It doesn't feel like it's been two years already, but at the same time it feels like she has been gone forever. Our lives were completely different, and I didn't see her often. I didn't call her as much as I should have either. Life got busy...However since she died, I think about her most everyday. Twice in the last month I picked up my phone to call and tell her something, or ask her opinion and it wasn't til I looked up her name in my phone that I remembered that she wasn't there anymore.

Meagan was many things; kind, funny, tall, and beautiful, to name a few. She was not perfect by any means, however she had a good heart and wanted to be a good person.

Growing up she was always the one to get the rest of us to do projects with and for her, usually it involved cleaning the house. She was clever. When we were older, she was always after us to get together more and be a family. A few years before her death, she and her husband bought a house in Ogden, UT. She said that she wanted her house to be where everyone would come for dinners and holidays. It was, it was the place we all came together. I moved to UT a year ago and since she is no longer here, we don't have a neutral place for family get together's. I didn't realize how much she did, until she wasn't around anymore.